Lost Forever
by Prof. Sparky
Summary: My entry for Blackjack Gabbiani's fic contest. Yukio thinks about Hiroki. Songfic.


~~*~~ Lost Forever ~~*~~

by Prof. Sparky

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. Neither is the song "If I Never Knew You ". Do I _look_ like a multi-million dollar company to you?

Summary: This is Oikawa angstyness, written for Blackjack Gabbiani's fic contest. It's also a songfic, and contains some _slight_ shounen-ai. That's guys lovin' guys, if you didn't know.

A/N: I'd like to thank Irea, for telling Yukio to relax and turn on the radio. ^^

__

Italics indicate thought. Anything inside ~ these ~ indicate song lyrics. Enjoy!! ^^

Yukio Oikawa sighed as he struggled with the lock on his apartment door. Finally, the lock clicked and he opened the door, walking inside and setting down the bag containing his laptop. He sighed again as he looked around his sparsely furnished living room. The drawn curtains cast the room into darkness. The coffee table was cluttered with books; the couch pillows rumpled and slightly askew. Shaking his head in disgust, he flung himself onto the couch.

_This battle with the Digidestined did not go well_, Yukio thought angrily._ Even with Blackwargreymon, Arukenimon and Mummymon still managed to make complete idiots of themselves. And to make matters worse, the ones constantly outwitting them were prepubescent children! At this rate, I'll never make it to the Digital World! …Oh Hiroki, why can't we go together? Why did you have to die?_

Thinking to distract himself, Yukio turned on his radio. Some heavy metal song blared loudly through the speakers. Wincing, Yukio changed the station to one that didn't hurt his ears. A much softer, slower song began to play. Yukio leaned back to listen.

~ If I never knew you

If I never felt this love

I would have no inkling of

How precious love can be ~

__

Oh Hiroki, Yukio sighed. 

~ And if I never held you

I would never have a clue

How at last I'd find in you

The missing part of me ~

__

I had, Yukio thought sadly. _I had. We were inseparable, but you left. Why?_

~ In this world so full of fears

Full of rage and lies

I can see the truth so clear

In your eyes

So dry your eyes ~

__

The truth, he mused bitterly. _The truth? The truth is all of that rage and sorrow and loneliness. The truth is my best…my **only **friend is dead. The truth is…I loved him. I **loved** you Hiroki! But you left anyway._

~ I'm so grateful to you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Lost forever

If I never knew you ~

"Lost forever," he echoed quietly. _I knew you and I'm lost anyway._

After a brief instrumental, the second verse started, each line sending Yukio farther into his deep pool of sorrow and loneliness.

~ Oh, if I never knew you

I'd be safe but half as real

Never knowing I could feel

A love so strong and true ~

_Hiroki, I wish I **could've **kept you safe. Not that we'd have been together anyway. Oh no, you had to get married. But at least you were happy. I still loved you, you know. Even when it was obvious you didn't feel the same way._

~ I'm so grateful to you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Lost forever

If I never knew you

Oh I thought our love would be so beautiful

Somehow we'd make the whole world bright

I never thought that fear and hate could be so strong

All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night

But still my heart is saying we were right ~

_Yes, we did. We were. We were right about the Digital World, Hiroki. If only you were here to see it with me…_

~ Oh, if I never knew you

(There's no moment I regret)

If I never knew this love

(Since the moment that we met)

I would have no inkling of

(If our time has gone too fast)

How precious life can be

(I've lived at last)

I thought our love would be so beautiful

(So beautiful)

Somehow we'd make the whole world bright

I thought our love would be so beautiful

We'd change the darkness into light

But still my heart is saying we were right ~

Yukio closed his eyes and leaned his head back as the tears began to fall. The song felt like a knife through his heart, piercing his innermost feelings and breaking the dam of emotions.

_Hiroki…_

~ And if I never knew you

(If I never knew you)

I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

Never knowing why

Lost forever

If I never knew you. ~

Yukio began to sob as the song ended. _Hiroki, I'm lost without you. I- I don't know what to do anymore… _

Pushing himself up off the couch, Yukio stumbled into the kitchen as another sing started playing. He stopped at the counter, staring at a large knife, debating furiously with himself. 

_It would be so easy, _he reasoned. _Slip away into nothingness. It's not as if I'd be missed…_

He reached for the knife- _No! _Cried a voice in the back of his mind. _What would Hiroki think of you, taking this coward's way out? Besides, how can you possibly get to the Digital World if you're dead?_

Hiroki… 

Nodding mutely, Yukio turned and headed for his bed. "Lost forever," he mumbled to no one, collapsing on top of the sheets fully-clothed. 

_So lost…_

~fin~

A/N: So, what do you think? I'd really appreciate feedback on this, as it's my first angsty fic. As for that 'voice' in the back of his mind, whether or not it's Myotismon is up to you. ^_~ I hope you enjoyed this, and please R/R!


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